This website requires certain cookies to work and uses other cookies to help you have the best experience. By visiting this website, certain cookies have already been set, which you may delete and block. By closing this message or continuing to use our site, you agree to the use of cookies. Visit our updated privacy and cookie policy to learn more.
This Website Uses Cookies
By closing this message or continuing to use our site, you agree to our cookie policy. Learn More
This website requires certain cookies to work and uses other cookies to help you have the best experience. By visiting this website, certain cookies have already been set, which you may delete and block. By closing this message or continuing to use our site, you agree to the use of cookies. Visit our updated privacy and cookie policy to learn more.
SNIPSMag logo
search
cart
facebook twitter linkedin youtube
  • Sign In
  • Create Account
  • Sign Out
  • My Account
SNIPSMag logo
  • HOME
  • NEWS
  • MAGAZINE
    • Current Issue
    • Digital Editions
    • Subscribe
    • Submit a photo
    • SNIPS eNewsletter
    • Contractor of the Year
  • SUBMIT
    • Contractor of the Year
  • HOW TO + TIPS
    • Shop Layout
    • Fabrication
    • Spiral Duct
    • How To Webinars
  • STEEL REPORTS
  • PRODUCTS
    • Toolbox
  • DIRECTORY
    • Buyers Guide
    • Classifieds
    • Interactive Product Spotlight
  • EVENTS
    • Industry Calendar
    • AEC Buildtech
    • SMACNA
    • Webinars
  • VIDEOS
  • CONTACT
    • Editorial Staff
    • Advertise
    • Clear Seas Research
    • Custom Content & Marketing Services
    • Partners
    • Store
    • List Rental
    • Reprints
Home » Blogs » Snips Blog » I'm Dreaming of These Holiday Mergers
Tim Fausch is publishing director of BNP Media’s Architecture, Engineering & Construction and Mechanical Systems Groups, a collection of more than 20 trade magazines, Web sites and e-newsletters. Just don't ask him to use any actual tools.

I'm Dreaming of These Holiday Mergers

December 23, 2008
Tim Fausch
No Comments
Reprints
©iStockphoto.com/mariusFM77


The recent spate of mergers caused me to wonder why we--the valued customers of these companies--were not consulted about their unions. I know we could pick better partners. So at the top of my Christmas list, I’m asking for mergers that will bring a smile to the face of every employee, customer and even those not-so-lovable boardroom Scrooges.

Take for example the merger of Northwest Airlines and Delta Airlines. This merger is destined for failure. Combining airlines intent on rationing peanuts and pillows won’t work.

Instead, I’m calling for a merger of Northwest with Sonic. Sonic Northwest would deliver great burgers and shakes to every passenger. And the Sonic name would force Northwest to speed up flight times. We’d finally get to our destinations on time and without hunger pangs.

Sprint/Nextel’s merger has been a disaster, while Cold Stone Creamery is reported to be struggling.

The solution is obvious. Merge Cold Stone’s singing employees into a new company called “Sprint Stone.”

Sprint Stone customer service reps would provide cheerful assistance, phones that actually work and complimentary “Love It” helpings of delicious ice cream with fruit toppings. We’d never switch phone carriers again.

Now that the merger between GM and Chrysler is dead, GM desperately needs an infusion of “cool.” I’ve got the perfect partner--Apple. Instead of those boring OnStar systems, GM Apple would install high-tech iPod systems. So when you needed help, you’d select your favorite music artist to sing your instructions.

Think about it. How cool would it be to have Elvis sing, “Turn left at the next intersection, thank you very much.” Pavarotti could belt out, “We’ve sent a tow truck to assist you.” And Whitney Houston could sing, “I will always love the Burger King at exit 16.”

Chrysler should merge with The Sharper Image. The Sharper Chrysler would produce Jeeps with massaging chairs, lava lamps for interior lighting, and built-in shoe polishers. They might need to throw in fancy alarm clocks so we don’t fall asleep while driving.

With the economy sputtering, we definitely need Starbucks to merge with the Dollar Store. At Dollar Starbucks, we would shop for those incredible bargains and still get a cup of java for just one buck. I know my coffee would taste better if I only paid $1 for it.

Circuit City is closing stores, but its fortunes would reverse if it merged with Mayo Clinic. At Circuit Clinic, imagine how much better your surgery would be if you could watch your favorite film in high-def with noise-canceling, sound-enhancing headphones during the operation. You might not even need anesthesia.

And for you--our treasured readers--I am wishing that grace, peace and prosperity be extended to your families and businesses throughout 2009.

Blog Topics

Michael McConnell

Emma Klug

Al Levi

James J. Siegel

Kori Winters

Guest Columns

Audrey LaForest

Jack Pennuto Jr.

Lauren Tucci-Howey

Recent Comments

Lululemon Athletica has recalled 17 percent of its...

Ventilation. Moisture is your bathroom’s greatest enemy. Mold...

There is also a common misconception that air...

There is also a common misconception that air...

A collaboration with the bank may be difficult,...

Tim Fausch is publishing director of BNP Media’s Architecture, Engineering & Construction and Mechanical Systems Groups, a collection of more than 20 trade magazines, Web sites and e-newsletters. Just don't ask him to use any actual tools.
You must login or register in order to post a comment.

Report Abusive Comment

Subscribe For Free!
  • Print Edition Subscriptions
  • Digital Edition Subscriptions
  • eNewsletter
  • Online Registration
  • Subscription Customer Service
  • Mobile App

More Videos

Popular Stories

Kevin Gill is SNIPS Sheet Metal Contractor of the Year

Introducing Our 2019 Sheet Metal Contractor of the Year

Sheet metal worker Lisa Davis

Portland sheet metal worker earns national position

Sheet metal and HVAC industry forecast

The 2020 sheet metal industry forecast you need to read

apex corporation duct design

A duct layout design in Boston requires a 9'x 9' high grease exhaust

McCusker-Gill 2019 SNIPS Contractor of the Year

SNIPS' 2019 Sheet Metal Fabrication Contractor of the Year: McCusker-Gill Inc.

SNIPS Steel Reports

Events

December 30, 2030

Webinar Sponsorship Information

For webinar sponsorship information, visit www.bnpevents.com/webinars or email webinars@bnpmedia.com.

View All Submit An Event

Products

HVAC Duct Construction Standards - Metal and Flexible

HVAC Duct Construction Standards - Metal and Flexible

See More Products
SNIPS Classified

SNIPS

SNIPS December 2019

2019 December

Check out the December 2019 edition of SNIPS: 2019 Contractor of the Year, the state of the industry report, Industry Icon Vic Petrossian, metal roofing and much more!
View More Create Account
  • MAGAZINE
    • Current Issue
    • Digital Editions
    • Submissions
    • Latest News
    • Subscribe
    • Advertise
  • HOW TO + TIPS
    • Shop Layout
    • Spiral Duct
  • ABOUT SNIPS
    • Contact Us
    • Editorial Calendar
    • Media Kit
    • Industry Research
    • Mechanical Group
    • Survey and Sample
    • Privacy Policy

Copyright ©2019. All Rights Reserved BNP Media.

Design, CMS, Hosting & Web Development :: ePublishing